When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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