a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He passed out mid-signature
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
