2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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