Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize