god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
