Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
This is the prime rib incident all over again
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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