To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
