Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
