Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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