I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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