Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
