when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
