well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
