Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
