Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
