Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
