1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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