everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
