Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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