Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
