the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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