great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
