I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You were trust falling into bushes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
