she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
