Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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