Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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