I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
