Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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