im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
