Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
