I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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