I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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