I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
