I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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