hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
