You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
