found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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