You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
