If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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