I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
