We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
