Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Drunk is a universal language darling
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
