I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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