theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
