OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dignity is for republicans.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
