How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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