I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
