did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
