And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
