im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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