I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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