I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
