You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
