I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
