I need to stop coming to work sober
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
