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so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
4 words: hood of his car
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
