nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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