I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
