Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
