jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
