its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
