I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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